Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
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