theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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