My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
