Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
