Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
