I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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