Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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