her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i permit you to call me
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
