i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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