I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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