my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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