I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
