My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
