I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
