Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
