Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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