next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
