my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
