My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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