Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
