your parents love me but you hate me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
