i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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