is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He passed out mid-signature
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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