mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
