i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
