I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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