He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
