I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
