the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I forget how to act sober
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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