is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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