my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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