I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
