i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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