dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
