Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I will be naked everywhere
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
