who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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