Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
