I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
