Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
