you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
