Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
People in love make me want to vomit
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
