i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
