According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
