literally had 100 drinks last night.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
