can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
