I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
