Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
