SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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