my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
