My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
